


if i didn't believe in you, we'd never have gotten this far

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 03:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Kyle and Eric are both getting tired of the 'no strings attached' asterisk attached to their relationship.





	if i didn't believe in you, we'd never have gotten this far

Eric walked smugly through the automatic doors. Smug partly because he was about to sleep with the hottest guy in town but also because that was just the kind of guy he was. The smug kind, that is. 

Kyle's new office was nice, he admitted to himself, if a little boring. Save for the wilting fern in the corner, it lacked any personality at all. 

"You're Eric Cartman, right?" The secretary asked with an insincere smile. "Kyle's friend?" 

Sorry, what? Friend? Kyle's friend? Dumb fucking bitch! Friend didn't even begin to describe it. 

"Yeah, I'm his friend. He told you I was coming, I presume?" Cartman asked, slipping into the silky sweet tone he used when addressing professionals. 

As far as he was concerned every encounter was a negotiation, and Eric did negotiations so hard. The woman in front of him had a picture frame perched on her desk. Two young kids. A framed photo of the perfect kind of potential blackmail if she ever crossed him. So maybe it wasn't negotiating that he was so skilled in. Maybe it was systematic dismantlement, or methods of torture. 

"He informed me of your lunch meeting, yes. Are you a lawyer too, Mr. Cartman?" 

"Don't worry about it." He said, already breezing past her into Kyle's office. "I saw a bakery across the street. Go get me a donut, will you?" 

"But sir I-Kyle needs me to-" She sputtered, tripping over her words. 

"Kyle is gonna be busy for a little while. At least fifteen minutes. Just run along, okay?" 

"Well, I mean? If you're sure he'll be okay with it?" The secretary asked, each phrase rising upward and into a question. 

"Trust me. I'm positive. Just go." 

She stumbled backwards still looking at Eric confusedly, as though he was a lion that had escaped its cage at the zoo and burst into this office building. 

"Go!" He ordered, eyes flashing. She leaped, startled, and turned around. 

"Cartman, please treat my staff with respect." Kyle said, appearing in the doorway of his office with a smirk. 

"I didn't hear you saying anything 30 seconds ago, Jew." Eric said, nearing his prey. 

"Sometimes it's fun to see you getting all riled up. Like a dog chasing its tail." Kyle explained, smirk only deepening. 

Eric barked, wrapping his arms around Kyle's waist. 

"Its hot, isn't it?" He asked. 

"That's not quite the word I was looking for." Kyle teased, leaning in for a kiss. 

Eric didn't hesitate, slipping his tongue in almost immediately. Sometimes he could stand to take things slow but right now, time was of the essence. Kyle swooned at the sensation, eager for more. Eric had told him once that he kissed as though he were trying to climb into the recipient's mouth. He wasn't wrong. 

Eric was the first to let go, releasing his hands from Kyle's hips. 

"What's the problem, Fatass?" Kyle asked, breathless and annoyed. "We don't have all day." 

Eric looked him up and down. His lips were the perfect shade of pink and so plump, gleaming from the kiss. His dress shirt was coming untucked and God, he looked good. If Eric were a little less petty, he would just let the whole thing go and fuck Kyle right here, bent over the desk and whimpering. But Eric wasn't a little less of anything, least of all petty. Kyle had been at the receiving end of enough half assed revenge plots by now to know that. 

"I just remembered something interesting, Broflovski." 

Eric had taken to using Kyle's last name when he was pissed off, just to prove a point. Granted it didn't have as much impact when Kyle hadn't started calling him Eric regularly until they graduated high school, but still. It got the message across.

Kyle groaned, clutching at his red curls. Why did he always have to make things so difficult? For once, couldn't they just have sex without first confronting some existential concept or fighting about the political atmosphere in America today or kickstarting a new business venture? Was that really too much to ask? 

"When I was walking in just now, that scrawny bitch behind the desk referred to me as 'Kyle's friend'. She misspoke, right? Surely that's not how you introduced me." 

"First of all Cartman, she isn't scrawny. She's normal sized, you just can't see from your perspective as a huge fatass." Kyle said out of habit. "And also, who the fuck was I supposed to tell her you were? My childhood arch rival who now fucks me periodically? Be realistic, please! For once in your life."

Cartman took a deep breath, willing himself not to explode. Kyle knew how much he hated being spoken to in that tone. Kyle had a way of speaking to him like he was so stupid. Eric Cartman was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them. Not even close. 

"Whatever." Eric mumbled, embarrassed. Apparently today was one of those times when they were going to pretend not to care about each other. "So, are you two fucking?" 

"Sorry, what? Excuse me?" Kyle asked, completely thrown off. 

"You and that bitch outside." Eric explained. "She called you by your first name. Kind of unprofessional, don't you think?" 

"What? Why would we-you're talking about Victoria? I'm gay, dumbass!" Kyle exclaimed, hating himself for still getting all worked up by Cartman's bullshit. He lowered his voice. "And besides, I'm sleeping with you!" 

"Oh, and so? So what does that mean? I know I'm not your boyfriend, Kyle, so why should the fact that we're sleeping together mean anything?" Eric spat, turning so Kyle wouldn't see his flushed face. 

"Are you seriously doing this?" Kyle hissed, trying to keep his voice down for the sake of those in the neighboring offices. Denver was a big city, this wasn't like South Park where no one gave Cartman's public outbursts a second glance half the time. 

"What exactly is it that I'm doing, Kyle?" Cartman drawled, sneering now. 

"Acting like you give a fuck about me!" Kyle cried. "You don't even like relationships, right? For Christ's sake, you don't even like me! You just got weird and possessive because my secretary is a young and attractive female! I'm nothing but a convenient fuck for you, and we both know it! If you and me were gonna be a couple, it would have happened by now!" 

Eric sputtered for a moment, looking for words with which he could properly iterate his feelings. Because first of all, there was no way Kyle genuinely still thought he didn't like him. What was this, the fourth fucking grade? 

"It's really not that convenient, Kyle." He settled on, after a few seconds of internal debate. 

"Wh-what?" Kyle asked incredulously, cursing the fact that they definitely didn't have any time for sex now. 

"You heard me, Kyle! You aren't that convenient of a fuck. I have to drive all the way over here, you know, or to your house. That's a good 20 minutes at least." Eric explained, and there was a tired quality to his voice now. 

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers, a mannerism he'd picked up from Stan. 

"What am I supposed to do with that, Eric? Should I start driving to your house more often now, or something?" 

"Uh, no, Kyle." Eric said. He cleared his throat awkwardly, starting to back away. 

"Wait, what? Where are you going?" Kyle asked, following him. "Is this still about Victoria because honestly-" 

"I think we should quit doing this, Kyle. You were right before. If the two of us were going to be a couple, it would have happened by now." 

"Fuck you, Cartman!" Kyle cried. "You're always playing the goddamn victim!"

"Well, Kyle-" 

"Get out of my office, fatass!" 

That wasn't exactly how things were supposed to go. Because Eric was bluffing, obviously, playing the sympathy card. Kyle was supposed to fall to his knees and beg to be his boyfriend, or something. Or at least give him an obligatory dick sucking. 

Eric groaned, resisting the urge to punch through a wall as he stormed out. Victoria walked through the front door just as he did so, visibly concerned. 

"Is everything okay, sir?" She asked, shoving a pastry into his hands. "They were all out of donuts so I got you this-" 

"Just keep it, okay? I've lost my appetite." 

"Did something happen with Kyle?" 

Eric stopped in his tracks. Calming down was out of the question at this point, he figured, so why bother trying? 

"Do me a favor and stop calling him by his first name, okay?" He said, and it was more of an order than a request. 

"Do what?" 

"You heard me." 

He hated hearing this irrelevant hussy use Kyle's name. It had no business in her filthy fucking mouth. 

"Would you get the hell out of my building?" Kyle asked, stepping out of his office. 

Eric opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it and turned to leave, biting his tongue. 

 

••••  
It's not like it was all that big of a deal. Fighting was to their relationship what healthy behavior was to others. Cartman did something insensitive, or violent, or otherwise horrible and Kyle bitched at him until he apologized or Kyle got over it. That was the pattern as it always had been. But then again, this time was different. This was the first time that Kyle had gone a week without speaking to him. 

"Fucking Christ, it's hotter than Satan's balls in here!" Cartman exclaimed, projecting his anger onto something that wasn't Kyle. 

Kenny's air conditioning had been broken for months now and he was the only one in the world who wasn't bothered by it. Eric thought maybe it was some kind of poor people thing. 

"Get over it or get out, fatboy. 

"Ken, can I have another popsicle? The strawberry kind?" Eric whined, reclining further in his chair. The portable fan whirring on the ground really wasn't making him any more comfortable. 

"Fuck, dude! Seriously?" Kenny responded, tossing him a popsicle. "Are you just gonna crash in my living room and never get off your ass for the rest of our lives?" 

"Kenny, I can't be alone right now! I'm heartbroken! Have some empathy!" 

"You did this to yourself, dumbass!" Kenny pointed out, standing up and running a hand through his greasy hair. 

"I didn't think Kyle would just go with it! God!" 

"It's been a week, dude. I think it's time for you to do something about this. Either that, or finally get over Kyle." Kenny said the last part cautiously, like he was detonating a bomb. 

"Get over Kyle? Don't be ridiculous, Kenny. That stopped being an option in second grade when I blackmailed him into being my partner for that field trip to the zoo." Eric explained, dismissing the idea. 

"How do you blackmail a second grader?" 

"I didn't blackmail him, really. But I did blackmail Stan into partnering with you instead, so Kyle didn't have any other choice." 

"And again I ask: How do you blackmail a second grader?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets, McCormick!" 

Kenny groaned, rolling his eyes back as far as they could go. His phone went off then, indicating that he'd received a text. 

"Oh! Butters is here." 

"You invited But-" 

"Come in, dude!" 

Butters walked through the front door a little hesitantly, looking anxious. 

"Hey there, fellas." He said, sitting down on the arm of Kenny's chair. "I would've gotten here sooner, but Antonina wanted me to take her shopping." 

Antonina was Butters girlfriend, who flew into the states from Russia last year. She was hauntingly beautiful but ever demanding, constantly griping at Butters and giving him orders.

"I'm real sorry about you and Kyle, Eric." Butters said, looking sympathetic. "I don't know what I'd do if Antonina ever left me." 

Eric sighed. 

"Kyle did not leave me, Butters. If anything, I left him." 

"Really? Why would you do that, Eric? You really love Kyle! He's like, the only thing you care about!" 

"First of all, Butters: Calm down. And secondly, love? Love him? When have I ever said that?"

Butters ignored him, focusing his attention on Kenny. 

"So what's the game plan, Ken? I really shouldn't be gone for too long, Nina would kill me." 

"You guys are seriously discussing my romantic future like I'm not even in the room? Hello! I'm right here!" Eric cried, becoming increasingly agitated. 

"Be quiet, we're trying to fix this." Kenny said. "Unless you have any ideas? Good ideas, I mean." 

"Of course I have good ideas! I'm Eric fucking Cartman, I'm filled to the brim with good ideas!" 

"Care to name one?" 

"Right. Well, uh, there's-um. I could-oh! I know! I could sing to him on the Jumbotron again! You know, for old time's sake!" 

Kenny and Butters glanced at each other in mutual disbelief. Butters decided he'd take this one. 

"Eric I don't know how to tell you this, but Kyle hated that." 

"What? No he didn't, Butters! He thought it was totally awesome and cool!" Eric scoffed. 

"No, Cartman." Kenny corrected. "You thought it was totally awesome and cool. Kyle thought it was embarrassing." 

Eric sputtered, at a loss for words. 

"Well, Jesus! What am I supposed to do now? That Jumbotron thing was the most romantic idea on the planet!" 

"You need to remember that you and Kyle have different ideas about what constitutes romance." Kenny said gently. 

"Maybe try something subtle." Butters suggested. "Send a card, or flowers!" 

Eric laughed. 

"Butters, Kyle and I have never done anything subtle in our lives." 

"You do have a point there." 

••••  
"Do you want some of this ice cream, Ky?" 

"I already told you I'm fine, Ike!" 

"I know, but-"

"Ike! I'm fine." 

"Kyle, honey, ice cream really might help you start to feel better." Karen suggested. "Maybe even well enough to sleep in your own apartment tonight." 

"I don't know what you're talking about, Karen. The only reason I'm staying at you guys' place is to spend some quality time with my brother. And with his lovely girlfriend, of course." Kyle said, crossing his arms and with finality. 

"While that's a very nice thought, Kyle, we're not buying it." Karen said. 

"What? Why not?" 

"You can't seriously expect us to believe that this whole thing has nothing to do with you and Cartman breaking up." Ike said. 

"Well that's where you're wrong, little brother. Eric and I were never a couple, so we couldn't have broken up." 

"Not a couple? Don't make me laugh!" Ike argued. 

"We aren't! Weren't. We never were a couple! He never called me his boyfriend. It was always supposed to be no strings attached!" Kyle declared, confident. 

"We can have a semantic argument all day, Kyle, but you guys went to the prom together! He bought you flowers on your birthday last year, and they weren't even plastic!" Ike retorted. 

"Okay. So-yes! Yes, obviously you're right. But I don't want to deal with that right now, okay? I've been awake for 24 hours and feelings this heavy require a full night's rest to contemplate. Can you hand me those cherries?" 

Kyle reached his hand out toward a jar of maraschino cherries and made a grabbing motion. 

"Uh, sure." Ike said, handing his brother the jar. "You sure you don't want anything else." 

"I'm sure." Kyle confirmed, before popping a cherry into his mouth. 

"That's fine, Kyle." Karen interjected, placing a hand on his comfortingly. "Just close your eyes, okay?" 

Kyle did as he was told, setting down the jar and nodding a little triumphantly. 

"We'll leave you alone now, Kyle. Just holler if you need anything." Karen said. 

"Thanks, you guys." 

"Don't mention it." 

Karen retreated the room on tiptoes, with Ike following close behind. 

"Is Kenny here yet?" Ike whispered once they were alone in the hallway.

"Yeah, he's in the driveway. We'll have to talk to him out there if we don't want Kyle eavesdropping. Come on." 

The two headed towards the front door, feeling like little kids playing spies. Ike held the door open for Karen, letting her go first. 

"Hey, you guys!" Kenny greeted them at a normal volume. 

"Hush!" Karen warned, slightly paranoid. "He's sleeping!" 

"Sorry." Kenny said, lowering his voice. He pulled his sister in for a hug, kissing the top of her head. 

"How are you, Karen?" He asked, keeping an arm around her. 

"I'm fine, Ken." 

"Just fine?" Kenny asked suspiciously, eyeing Ike. "How's this kid treating you?" 

Ike rolled his eyes, tugging Karen from out of her brother's grip. 

"Kenny, will you cut it out with the big brother routine already? You've known me my whole life." 

"Watch it, Broflovski!" Kenny warned. 

"Um, wow." Karen laughed awkwardly. "Can we get back to the issue at hand? 

"Right." Kenny said, keeping his gaze fixed on Ike a second longer before relaxing. "Cartman is really depressed, dude." 

"It's the same thing over here, Kyle won't stop pouting. So what are we gonna do about it?" 

"Actually, the decision has sort of already been made for us." 

Ike groaned, tilting his head backwards. 

"What did he do?" 

Karen glanced between the two of them nervously, wringing her hands. 

"Eric?" She asked in nervous anticipation. 

"Yes, of course!" Ike said. "Eric is always pulling some dumb shit. Let's just hope he hasn't ruined everything." 

"Has he?" Karen asked, turning to Kenny. 

"Who's to say?" Kenny asked, throwing his hands into the air. "I mean, it's kind of a crazy stunt." 

"Well, right." Ike said, shrugging. 

"It's risky, too. The stakes are pretty high." 

"Risky? Yeah, I figured as much. Can he pull it off?" 

"Ike, all I can say is that this scheme requires Cartman have Kyle memorized. To pull this off, he'd need to get inside Kyle's mind, to accurately predict how he'll respond." Kenny said. 

Ike nodded, and Karen looked at him expectantly. 

"So?" She asked. "What does that mean?" 

"It means we should be fine." 

••••

"Is he gonna be doing that thing where he acts like a huge asshole?" Kyle asked from the backseat. 

"Kyle, he is a huge asshole. Nothing any of us can do about that." Ike said. 

"I'm sure he'll play nice tonight, Kyle." Karen assured, turning around in shotgun to smile at him. "He's missed you!" 

Kyle didn't answer, opting instead to stare out the window at passing scenery. Ike and Karen were driving him over to the restaurant where he and Eric would be meeting. It was a nice restaurant, one in Denver. You had to make reservations and everything.

"Is that the place?" Ike asked, switching over to the right lane. 

"Yes." Karen said, glancing again at the map. "Right in here." 

Ike turned into a parking lot, and Kyle felt himself tense. This could go wonderfully, or it could go horribly wrong. As usual with he and Eric, there was absolutely no in between. 

"Go get 'em, tiger." Ike teased, putting the car in park. 

"You guys will pick me up afterward, right?" Kyle asked. 

"Somehow I don't think you'll be coming home tonight." Ike teased with a wink. 

Kyle blushed, sticking his tongue out. He unbuckled his seatbelt, noting proudly that his hands were steady. For the most part. 

"This place is so nice!" Karen commented when Kyle had gotten out of the car. "What does Eric do for a living, anyway?" 

"Don't worry about it, babe." 

Kyle walked through the restaurant doors, glancing apprehensively at his surroundings. Between the long, white tablecloths and the disco ball on the ceiling, this place had more in common with a reception hall than anywhere Kyle had ever eaten. 

He spotted Eric from across the room, sitting in a booth and wearing a suit he filled out nicely. He was staring at the table cloth, and Kyle could see sweat stains already beginning to pool beneath the building's fluorescent lighting scheme. 

"Hey!" Kyle called as he arrived at the table. Eric startled, jumping backward. 

"Oh! Hi, Kyle!" He said, uncharacteristically jittery with nerves. 

"This place is nice." Kyle said, sitting down. 

"I thought you'd like it. Jews, um, like nice places. Or something." 

Kyle rolled his eyes, suppressing a grin. 

"You are seriously losing your touch, fatass. That one didn't even make any sense." 

"You know you missed my Jew jokes, Kyle." Eric said, then seemed to correct himself. "I mean, I missed you. This last week, I really missed you. I'm seriously." 

Kyle smiled, grabbing Eric's hand from across the table. 

"I missed you too. A lot." 

The waitress bustled up to their table then, interrupting the moment. 

"Okay!" She announced cheerfully. "Here's your Mountain Dew, sir. And, um, the Sprite for your date!" 

She set their drinks on the table and hurried off with a full platter. 

"I hope you don't mind, Kyle." Eric said. "I went ahead and ordered both of our drinks. Did I get the right thing?" 

Kyle had never seen Eric so eager for approval. Fuck, it was adorable. 

"Of course. I always get Sprite. You know that." 

"I guess I do. Know that, I mean." 

Kyle laughed, squeezing Eric's hand a little harder. 

"You're so fucking dumb, Cartman." 

"What?"

"You're acting like I seriously wasn't going to forgive you or something! You're being weird, I don't like it. Call me names." Kyle explained. 

"Kyle." Eric said solemnly, looking him in the eyes. "You're a goddamn Jew." 

Kyle laughed again, and Eric began to smirk now too. 

"Great. That's better. So, are we gonna put all this shit behind us now? Please?" Kyle asked, cocking his head to the side and still smiling . 

"Can I do you one better?" 

"You can try." 

"How do you feel about your apartment, Kyle? Because I hate it." 

Kyle could've gotten whiplash from how quickly the mood changed. The scared and vulnerable act was over, and Kyle was face to face with the most manipulative bastard in Colorado. 

"What is this? What are you trying to do now, Fatass?" 

"You aren't listening, Kyle. Do you like your apartment? I think the shower is too small. Agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts, Kyle?" 

"I can't believe I fell for your bullshit again! I really let myself think you were just being sweet! Fuck you!" 

He stood up to leave, but Eric grabbed hold of his sleeve.

"Kyle! Sit down and be quiet. You're ruining it." He ordered. Kyle sat back down still looking wary. 

"Ruining it? What am I ruining? What are you trying to-?" 

Kyle was interrupted by a flying metal object hitting him square in the chest. He caught it just in time, looking down in confusion. 

"Keys? What are these for?" 

Eric stood up suddenly, leaning over the table and almost spilling his drink to kiss Kyle. 

"You can't ever shut up, can you? Not even for one goddamn second." He commented with a half smile. "You've never been able to resist listening to the sound of your own voice. Is that a Jew thing?" 

Kyle softened, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

"I don't get it." 

"I got us an apartment, dumbass." 

Kyle's jaw fell open. 

"You got us-what? Are you serious?" 

"What do you think, Kyle?" 

"This is so typically you!" Kyle cried. "You didn't even think to ask me first? And you thought it was appropriate to-"

"Kyle! What do you think?" 

Kyle pretended to consider it. Like he hadn't seen this coming from a mile away, and like he hadn't been wanting it forever. 

"I love you." Kyle said, and all at once Cartman was the one at a loss for words. 

"I-okay. Yeah. So, is that a yes? On the apartment?" 

Kyle smirked. 

"Say it back, Fatass." 

"Kyle!" Eric pleaded. "You I know do! Don't make me-" 

"Say it, Cartman." 

"Fine! Whatever. I-god, you know! I love you. Okay? I love you!" He exclaimed, face flushing bright red. 

"I know!" Kyle said gleefully, practically cackling. "You can't even pretend to hate me anymore! You're totally into me, I knew it!" 

"Ugh! Shut up, Kyle! Get over yourself." 

"You really thought my old shower was too small?" Kyle asked, taking a sip of his drink. 

Eric took a moment to look him over, taking in the arrogant smirk and the twinkle of amusement in his eyes. He bulldozed over Kyle's question, preferring to control the conversation. 

"To be clear, Kyle, this is me asking to be your-your boyfriend." Eric cleared his throat, avoiding eye contact. Kyle took his hand again. 

"Hey." He said softly, smiling just a little. "This is me saying yes." 

Eric nodded, grinning. Kyle set the pair of keys on the table, and all of the restaurant's noise was lost on them.


End file.
